Faithful to Me

By: Betsy Borella

I love music! It can heal. It can calm. It brings people together and, in some cases, cause a divide. It stretches throughout time, a living reminder of a life once lived. Music can be a prayer, a plea, a rapture of joy & worship, a reflection, and a soundtrack to our lives & memories. Music has always been able to help me process my own feelings.

An album that forever shaped my musical preferences is Kansas by Jennifer Knapp, released in 1998. Her lyrics are a vulnerable and heartfelt profession into her faith journey, which, as a 10-year-old, was so powerful to witness. This album has grown with me, and I feel her songs are even more relevant at 38. When I began praying and meditating on this blog post, her song “Faithful to Me,” played on repeat in my head. Goodness, how this song reflects the prayers, the triumphs, the near misses, and the “won’t do that again,” moments of my life. It all comes down to the refrain You’re the only one who’s faithful to me…

Ok now, hang on to your hats! I’m gonna tell ya’ll my story Readers’ Digest-style. After college, I was chomping at the bit for my life to start. To me that meant marriage and babies. I had low self- esteem, an optimistic outlook, and I really thought I could make anyone happy enough that they would love me. So, when the first man I dated after college who loosely checked all my boxes for a “spiritual leader” proposed after nine months of knowing each other, I ran down the aisle. Clearly, this was not a faith-led decision; this was impatient disobedience. Three years later that marriage ended in heartache after his dishonesty and infidelity came to light. It’s not that he wasn’t the man I thought he was. He wasn’t the man I told myself he was in order to fit the mold of the partner I thought I should have.

Did I learn from this lesson and return to God in obedience? Goodness no! A crush from college reemerged. He offered me the opportunity to start over in Chicago if I moved with him for a job opportunity. I felt God saying this wasn’t for me, but I charged on because I wanted a fresh start. This man would be faithful; I just knew it. Eight years, an elopement, three cross country moves, a son, and a pandemic later, I no longer recognized this man. While I was surviving and managing our child’s special needs, he began the slow descent into alcoholism. I am still not sure how I missed it. He became angry and controlling, always suspicious of me and limiting my time with friends and family. The night he became physical with his rage was the night I felt jolted awake to my disobedience. I had spent over a decade tuning out the still soft voice of the Holy Spirit and the only place it got me was sprawled at the bottom of a staircase, stunned and wondering what I did wrong this time.

That was almost three years ago. Since then, I have been overwhelmed with God’s faithfulness to me. My family helped move me and my son into my parents’ house while the dust settled so I could make decisions. I wouldn’t receive child support for over a year. I had no savings. Any account I tried to touch was emptied before I could get to it. But God was showing up every day, reminding me I was in the palm of his hand. About two months after moving in with my parents, it was getting crowded. I had been saving what money I could, but really didn’t see a way I could afford a rental in a desired school zone while still staying close to my family because I rely on their help.

As I prayed for guidance & hope, this little house kept coming up on my feed as an available rental. The rent was at the tippy top of my budget. I didn’t have the security deposit, last month’s rent, and first month’s rent, and wouldn’t for at least a month. Despite all that, I felt an overwhelming need to apply. This nagging ringing in my ears whispered, “Trust me.” So, I applied. I was shocked when the homeowner called wanting to discuss my application. He shared his concern about the rent being at the top of my budget, but gave me an opportunity to share that I was recently separated and awaiting familial support. He shared with me that he and his wife felt led to rent to a single mother and would hold the house for me until I had the deposits. I was speechless from God’s faithfulness. I laughed while tears of joy streamed down my face. I felt so humbled by God’s love in this moment. I had been an awful child. I turned my ears off to Him for years, then I fall at His feet, and he doesn’t hesitate to answer.

A year later we were settled in our precious little home I call Fortress House because it has felt like a fortress of healing and safety for me. I am going toe to toe with insurance and grants to try to obtain a speech device for my son. The device alone is $7,000 without training. It’s not covered by insurance, so our hopes were all on a grant. It had been three months of phone calls, letters, faxes, doctors’ visits, and frustration. I wasn’t receiving child support, but I knew this device would change my son’s life and give him a voice. I started feeling the need to tithe. Not just give, but tithe-- faithfully give back to the Father what he had given to me. I was terrified. I fought it. I ran the numbers, and I really wasn’t sure how I could do it, but I realized that was the entire point. I wasn’t going to be able to do it on my own, but I had faith God would carry us if I was obedient. I started tithing. I didn’t have a church home yet, so I chose local Christ-led ministries and nonprofits to give to each pay period. Within a month of tithing, we received Roman’s device through a waiver with the state. A few months after that, I was given full custody and my son’s father began sending familial support. “Great is thy faithfulness, Lord unto me!” But the blessings didn’t stop there.

The nonprofits I had been giving to were Isaiah 117 House, Liberty’s Station, and Greenhouse ministries. I kept noticing these organizations had received support from Northside Baptist Church, which lead me to reach out regarding resources for special needs families. We planned a visit to Northside. I connected with an incredible group of women and have drawn so close to the Holy Spirit under their influence. His faithfulness continues in big ways for me every day-- from my son’s education team, to our neighbors, to the joy of being close to my family, and to the fulfillment I have found through this sisterhood of Northside Women. A trend I continue to see in our chronological Bible reading is God’s faithfulness is not limited to our faith or obedience to Him. It’s a constant whether we choose to acknowledge it or not.

I am going to close by sharing the full lyrics for Jennifer Knapp’s “Faithful to Me.” I ask that you read it or listen to it or even sing it. Let it seep down into your soul and meditate on God’s faithfulness in your life. I promise once you see it, you can’t stop!

All the chisels I’ve dulled carving idols of stone

That have crumbled like sand ‘neath the waves

I’ve recklessly built all my dreams in the sand,

Just to watch them all wash away

Through another day, another trial

Another chance to reconcile

To one who sees past all I’ve seen,

And reaching out my weary hand,

I pray that you’d understand

You’re the only one who’s faithful to me.

All the pennies I’ve wasted in my wishing well

I have thrown like storms to the sea.

I have cast my lots, dropped my guard, searched aimlessly,

For a Faith to be faithful to me.

Through another day, another trial

Another chance to reconcile

To one who sees past all I’ve seen,

And reaching out my weary hand,

I pray that you’d understand,

You’re the only one who’s faithful to me.

You’re the only one who’s faithful to me.